Friends

[d***@fsmail.net]

I thought I'd post a new topic as everyone says it's so quiet.

I'd be interested to ask people here, what are your perspective on friendships?

I was thinking the other day about my attitude that I don't want friends (just being happy with a few aquaintances). Although to some extent I am now permanently conditioned that way, I can't actually remember a time as a child that I wanted friends. I was always happy doing things on my own and loved the times in the 1980s when I could just be at my computer (either playing games or programming) or analysing various statistics. The only slight extension to this was that I enjoyed doing some things with my immediate family (parents and sibling(s)).

At primary school like many children my "friends" were largely who my parents determined they were (the children of other parents they got on with). At secondary school I had hardly any friends. There was someone I sat on a bench with at lunchtime and we would run little sports leagues by using the random number function button on a calculator to work out how many goals were scored by each team. However, I never liked him. My parents tried to encourage friendships and I humoured them, but I never really liked the people I pretended to like. I deliberately tried to lose contact with everyone I knew at school.

At university one or two people made an effort with me and I made an effort with one or two people. I met some better people, but I have had no strong desire to keep in touch with them now. I am quite happy now they are all married and have children. Very occasionally I accept an invitation to meet up, but I never invite them back.

I have some people I would now call friends (people I like and trust and who seem to like me) who live locally, but I never want to go out of my way to see them. I am very busy so never feel I have time, but if I minded I could make time. I feel guilty that I have no motivation to make time as they are good people.

I could go on. I was thinking today that many people with autism want to socialise, but cannot. Am I like who I am because I cannot and learnt at an early age to compensate? Or am I just naturally like that? How much variety is there on the spectrum (and amongst NTs)?

So that is enough about me and leads on to a question - what about you? What is your perspective on friends? Has it changed over your life or were you always like you are now?

Dolphinius
(Male, age 40 +/- a few months, UK, self-diagnosed AS)

[Mouse]

Post by d***@fsmail.net
So that is enough about me and leads on to a question - what about you? What is your perspective on friends? Has it changed over your life or were you always like you are now?
Dolphinius
(Male, age 40 +/- a few months, UK, self-diagnosed AS)

I have no friends; lots of acquaintances and enough people like me so I
don't feel like a pariah. Friends are expensive and I have more demands
on my attention as it stands.

[Chak]

Post by Mouse

Post by d***@fsmail.net
So that is enough about me and leads on to a question - what about
you? What is your perspective on friends? Has it changed over your
life or were you always like you are now?
Dolphinius
(Male, age 40 +/- a few months, UK, self-diagnosed AS)

I have no friends; lots of acquaintances and enough people like me so
I don't feel like a pariah. Friends are expensive and I have more
demands on my attention as it stands.

Yup.

I haven't been here in many moons - how are you all?

Chak

[Aquarian Monkey]

Post by d***@fsmail.net
I thought I'd post a new topic as everyone says it's so quiet.
I'd be interested to ask people here, what are your perspective on friendships?
I was thinking the other day about my attitude that I don't want friends (just being happy with a few aquaintances). Although to some extent I am now permanently conditioned that way, I can't actually remember a time as a child that I wanted friends. I was always happy doing things on my own and loved the times in the 1980s when I could just be at my computer (either playing games or programming) or analysing various statistics. The only slight extension to this was that I enjoyed doing some things with my immediate family (parents and sibling(s)).
At primary school like many children my "friends" were largely who my parents determined they were (the children of other parents they got on with). At secondary school I had hardly any friends. There was someone I sat on a bench with at lunchtime and we would run little sports leagues by using the random number function button on a calculator to work out how many goals were scored by each team. However, I never liked him. My parents tried to encourage friendships and I humoured them, but I never really liked the people I pretended to like. I deliberately tried to lose contact with everyone I knew at school.
At university one or two people made an effort with me and I made an effort with one or two people. I met some better people, but I have had no strong desire to keep in touch with them now. I am quite happy now they are all married and have children. Very occasionally I accept an invitation to meet up, but I never invite them back.
I have some people I would now call friends (people I like and trust and who seem to like me) who live locally, but I never want to go out of my way to see them. I am very busy so never feel I have time, but if I minded I could make time. I feel guilty that I have no motivation to make time as they are good people.
I could go on. I was thinking today that many people with autism want to socialise, but cannot. Am I like who I am because I cannot and learnt at an early age to compensate? Or am I just naturally like that? How much variety is there on the spectrum (and amongst NTs)?
So that is enough about me and leads on to a question - what about you? What is your perspective on friends? Has it changed over your life or were you always like you are now?
Dolphinius
(Male, age 40 +/- a few months, UK, self-diagnosed AS)

I spent my childhood, teen years, and young adulthood in the desperate pursuit of friends. I had a notion that if only I were popular, things would somehow be "better."

I was so obsessed with this that I never even really realized I was introverted. I mean, I knew I didn't like to be the center of attention (except when drinking LOL), but I didn't realize how much other people drained my energy and how much I needed time alone to rejuvenate.

When my kids came along, I stopped having so much time for focusing on having friends and being popular. I started spending more time alone. And suddenly, I started to feel the "better" that I had been searching for all along. If I could have gone back, I would have nurtured my more artistic, quirky side and forgone the ridiculous things I did to try to fit in. I think I would have been happier over all.

Is this post even about friendships? LOL!

I do have a handful of friends that I feel very close to. I see them once or twice a year. They understand and appreciate me and do not even mind that I do not call or ask to get together very often. And even though we rarely speak or see each other, when we do get together, we are as close as ever. I don't know if it matters or not, but I have both male and female friends that fall in this category.

Other than that, I have acquaintances. Though sometimes I do develop friendships at work. The weird thing about them, though, is that even though we seem "close" at work, if one of us leaves the job, I never speak to them ever again, and hardly even think of them. It's not that I have bad feelings or don't care. They're just....gone.

[Buzzard]

Post by d***@fsmail.net
I'd be interested to ask people here, what are your perspective on friendships?

That of an outside observer looking at groups of
friends that I'm not a part of

Post by d***@fsmail.net
I was thinking the other day about my attitude that I don't want friends

I have relatives...
As for non-related friends, I've never had many,
and those I did have I've let drift off over the years.

Post by d***@fsmail.net
I could go on. I was thinking today that many people with autism want to socialise

Socializing looks like fun, when I see other people doing it.
But actually trying to socialize with new people puts me in
some real stress; I feel like a prey animal in a strange herd,
thinking there's a leopard around and I'm the one that won't
be alerted to its presence. This feeling might be a result
of the memories of being bullied in school; or something
more innate, not sure.

[Autindividual]

Post by d***@fsmail.net
I thought I'd post a new topic as everyone says it's so quiet.
I'd be interested to ask people here, what are your perspective on friendships?

My own understanding of friendship, a truly rare situation indeed, is that
it's a genuine relationship, and that means a mutual one, based on love.

This means that a Real friend is someone you can literally confidently
trust with your life, and that most certainly also includes your money too,
because they will always put your interests ahead of even their own, and of
course, to make it a Real relationship of Genuine friendship, you will also
do precisely likewise for them. Over time, intimacy in one form or another
is sure to attend such a relationship, which is why, if it is to be
'romantic' intimacy, it's Always absolutely mandatory that Genuine
friendship exist first and foremost.

Since this situation is extremely rare and precious, it's no wonder that
it's so often said that autistic persons have difficulty making friends -
this is primarily because the NeuroTypical Standard not only accepts, but
actually encourages Phoniness, particularly since it's all about Conformity
, a concept already based on phoiness as it's Objectives primarily include
the rejection of one's own Individual identity...what could be more Phony
than that?

But if the objective is to make Real, Genuine, Honest friends, then it's
difficult for anyone to do that simply because True friendship, because it
is so uncommon, is so very difficult to come by and autistic persons do
very much tend to not only prefer honesty, both in themselves and in
others, but they also prefer Quality in any relationship since by their
very nature, they do not tend to subscribe to Phony standards, such as are
so replete in NT 'culture'.

Post by d***@fsmail.net
I was thinking the other day about my attitude that I don't want
friends (just being happy with a few aquaintances). Although to some
extent I am now permanently conditioned that way, I can't actually
remember a time as a child that I wanted friends. I was always happy
doing things on my own and loved the times in the 1980s when I could
just be at my computer (either playing games or programming) or
analysing various statistics. The only slight extension to this was
that I enjoyed doing some things with my immediate family (parents and
sibling(s)).

I was even uncomfortable with my biological relatives aka 'family', becuase
they didn't understand me either, and for the most part still don't ;)

Post by d***@fsmail.net
At primary school like many children my "friends" were largely who my
parents determined they were (the children of other parents they got
on with).

Same here, but with me the primary factor, then and now, is that if I
didn't see Quality, I wasn't interested.

Post by d***@fsmail.net
At secondary school I had hardly any friends. There was
someone I sat on a bench with at lunchtime and we would run little
sports leagues by using the random number function button on a
calculator to work out how many goals were scored by each team.
However, I never liked him. My parents tried to encourage friendships
and I humoured them, but I never really liked the people I pretended
to like. I deliberately tried to lose contact with everyone I knew at
school.

Don't you just hate that, when you're being 'pushed' into something you're
not interested in because someone else 'thinks' you shouldn't be 'all by
yourself'?

Post by d***@fsmail.net
At university one or two people made an effort with me and I made an
effort with one or two people. I met some better people, but I have
had no strong desire to keep in touch with them now. I am quite happy
now they are all married and have children. Very occasionally I accept
an invitation to meet up, but I never invite them back.

Simple explanation; not enough Quality.

Post by d***@fsmail.net
I have some people I would now call friends (people I like and trust
and who seem to like me) who live locally, but I never want to go out
of my way to see them. I am very busy so never feel I have time, but
if I minded I could make time. I feel guilty that I have no motivation
to make time as they are good people.

I've known similar people, they're okay, but there's not enough interest
because there's not enough substance to stimulate that interest.

Post by d***@fsmail.net
I could go on. I was thinking today that many people with autism want
to socialise, but cannot.

Because of lack of Quality, and we tend very much to prefer it.

Post by d***@fsmail.net
Am I like who I am because I cannot and
learnt at an early age to compensate? Or am I just naturally like
that? How much variety is there on the spectrum (and amongst NTs)?

I still say it's over the issue of Genuine Quality, and autistic persons
prefer it to the mere Illusion thereof.

Post by d***@fsmail.net
So that is enough about me and leads on to a question - what about
you? What is your perspective on friends? Has it changed over your
life or were you always like you are now?
Dolphinius
(Male, age 40 +/- a few months, UK, self-diagnosed AS)

I presently have a grand total of 2 friends, one male and one female. They
are both very dear to me and are of the highest Quality...and they have
changed my life because they are very special, because they are Genuine
friends.

[Stephen Wilson]

Post by d***@fsmail.net
I thought I'd post a new topic as everyone says it's so quiet.
I'd be interested to ask people here, what are your perspective on friendships?
I was thinking the other day about my attitude that I don't want friends
(just being happy with a few aquaintances). Although to some extent I am
now
permanently conditioned that way, I can't actually remember a time as a
child that I wanted friends. I was always happy doing things on my own and
loved the times in the 1980s when I could just be at my computer (either
playing games or programming) or analysing various statistics. The only
slight
extension to this was that I enjoyed doing some things with my immediate
family (parents and sibling(s)).

Pretty similar story here. I have vague memories of infant school - think I
had 1 friend there (a girl in the year below me). Then I moved and made 1
friend in junior school, but he moved away after 2 years. I went to another
school, again made 1 friend who moved away just a few months later. Made a
couple of friends in 6th form, and had quite a social life going in my last
couple of years at university. But mostly I'm quite a solitary person.
Watched a lot of television and read books when I was younger, then got a
computer in 1985 and played lots of computer games. Got my first PC about
1994 and spent a lot of time on the internet.

There are a handful of people I know today. Generally I don't "do"
socialising. I'm generally happier on my own, can cope OK when I'm with one
other person, but struggle in groups of more than 3. I'll got to the
occasional party - not because I necessarily want to but because I don't
want to appear miserable or ungrateful if I get an invite.

[Zeke Zebedee]

I have one friend on Facebook who goes back 45 years to our first
aquaintance, now ain't that sommat?

Eke it's Zeke.


<***@fsmail.net> wrote in message news:0e9b7161-d297-4ce5-93e7-***@googlegroups.com...
I thought I'd post a new topic as everyone says it's so quiet.

I'd be interested to ask people here, what are your perspective on
friendships?

I was thinking the other day about my attitude that I don't want friends
(just being happy with a few aquaintances). Although to some extent I am now
permanently conditioned that way, I can't actually remember a time as a
child that I wanted friends. I was always happy doing things on my own and
loved the times in the 1980s when I could just be at my computer (either
playing games or programming) or analysing various statistics. The only
slight extension to this was that I enjoyed doing some things with my
immediate family (parents and sibling(s)).

At primary school like many children my "friends" were largely who my
parents determined they were (the children of other parents they got on
with). At secondary school I had hardly any friends. There was someone I sat
on a bench with at lunchtime and we would run little sports leagues by using
the random number function button on a calculator to work out how many goals
were scored by each team. However, I never liked him. My parents tried to
encourage friendships and I humoured them, but I never really liked the
people I pretended to like. I deliberately tried to lose contact with
everyone I knew at school.

At university one or two people made an effort with me and I made an effort
with one or two people. I met some better people, but I have had no strong
desire to keep in touch with them now. I am quite happy now they are all
married and have children. Very occasionally I accept an invitation to meet
up, but I never invite them back.

I have some people I would now call friends (people I like and trust and who
seem to like me) who live locally, but I never want to go out of my way to
see them. I am very busy so never feel I have time, but if I minded I could
make time. I feel guilty that I have no motivation to make time as they are
good people.

I could go on. I was thinking today that many people with autism want to
socialise, but cannot. Am I like who I am because I cannot and learnt at an
early age to compensate? Or am I just naturally like that? How much variety
is there on the spectrum (and amongst NTs)?

So that is enough about me and leads on to a question - what about you? What
is your perspective on friends? Has it changed over your life or were you
always like you are now?

Dolphinius
(Male, age 40 +/- a few months, UK, self-diagnosed AS)

[Aquarian Monkey]

Post by Zeke Zebedee
I have one friend on Facebook who goes back 45 years to our first
aquaintance, now ain't that sommat?
Eke it's Zeke.

And here I was impressed that my best friend goes back 30 years! Though I have no friends on FB because I don't do FB.