t***@gmail.com
2016-11-05 08:09:42 UTC
http://officialfan.proboards.com/thread/550933/dad-aspergers-advice-sorely-needed
Post by Dragonfly on 7 hours ago
Note: This is not a political thread. The mentions below do not represent my personal views, nor do I wish to discuss them. They are, however, needed in order to paint a complete picture. Mods, edit as you see fit.
Roughly a year and a half ago, my family found out that my dad has Asperger's. We always knew there was something "off," but we were never quite able to put our collective finger on it. Everything clicked into place when we found out. He's not Rain Man or anything. If you would run into him into the street, you would never know. But believe me, it's there. And it's getting worse by the day. That's what I need advice with.
My dad is completely and totally unable to let anything, both real and perceived, go. According to the doctors, it's solely because of the Asperger's. And when I say "anything," I do mean anything. My mom still get yelled at for things she said in 1978. I have had entire days (and weeks and even a month once) ruined because of something relatively minor I did months/years earlier. My dad stopped talking to my uncle because he refused to by him a sausage sandwich in 1964. He doesn't even remember it happening. (To be fair, said uncle is far from a saint. But the main source of the feud is the sandwich thing, not anything he's done recently.) To this day, he's mad at my late grandfather for an admittedly stupid comment he made in 1982, my aunt for grieving the death of my uncle the supposed "wrong way" (I'm serious) and every neighbor we've ever had. It just never stops. And if something is happening - he doesn't feel good, for example - it gets ten times worse.
Personal relationships aren't the only things he won't ever move past. It also extends to politics and society. For example, he doesn't just dislike the Clinton family. He doesn't just disagree with their politics. No, he's personally offended by their mere existence. He acts like as if he was the victim of every single thing they have ever allegedly done. I'm pretty sure I've heard about Whitewater or Monica Lewinsky more than even Chelsea has by this point. It's the same thing with every politician he dislikes - Ted Kennedy (Chappaquiddick), George H.W. Bush ("he ran the CIA"), Jimmy Carter (Iran) and Obama (pick a topic), just to name a few. He doesn't even expressly want to discuss it anymore. It's all a part of his ongoing stream of conscious rambling. One minute, it's about my cousin. The next, it's about Paula Jones or Al Gore. Then we hear the million dollar phrase: "Can you believe those liberals..."
But what about speaking your mind, you ask? It's hard to disagree when the person you're disagreeing with takes every dissenting opinion as criticism, and every piece of criticism as a personal attack. If you're not careful, a conversation about the Senate can turn into screaming match about the time I hid a bad test score from him in the second grade lightning fast. And when he feels that he's being attacked, he defends himself by saying every mean, derogatory thing about you he can think of. You'd be shocked at the things I've heard. He doesn't "get" traditional jokes these days and doesn't understand metaphors, so diffusing the situation with humor is nigh impossible. (It's like living with Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy, if Drax was retired musician from Pittsburgh instead of Dave Batista.) It's just easier to nod and agree for hours on end, even if the stuff coming out of his mouth is completely contradictory. It works, but it sure gets tiring.
This brings me to our phone conversation last night. Between the election, his quiet frustration over the fact that my wife and I dumped our landline, a few inconvenient car repairs and what will inevitably be sinus infection number 523,497, he wasn't hearing a damned word anyone was saying. And I do mean that literally. I was interrupted at least a dozen times, including once where he tried to hang up in the middle of a sentence. Being interrupted is my number one pet peeve (gee, I wonder why...), so it was seriously pissing me off. None of my "tricks" to get him to shut the hell up were working. My wife ended up having to yell "she's still talking, dammit!" in order to get him to stop. I got to say my complete thought, but it was immediately discounted because, and I quote, I "haven't lived long enough." We hung up shortly thereafter. And here's the kicker: Whatever we heard pales in comparison to what my mom and brother are hearing. Hell, my brother had to get a freaking hotel room just so he can study for his latest nursing exam without being bothered or badgered at.
In a lot of ways, it's not anything out of the ordinary. The election will end, my parents will pull from their fairly large nest egg and he'll get a prescription. By Thanksgiving, he won't even remember this happened. But here's the thing: I still do. All of those feelings of anger and frustration started to bubble up and this time, they're not going away. We feel that we can't even consider moving back home to Pittsburgh in fear of getting sucked into his orbit of useless bullshit. I don't know if the next conversation we have is going to be about Christmas and how much Raw sucked or my grandfather and Ken Starr. I don't want to cut all ties because, despite everything I just said, he's a pretty good guy. It's not his fault and he generally means well. He's even taking a few meds to "make him think better" (his words). But good intentions and a medical diagnosis doesn't make things any easier or less annoying.
So I ask: Is there anything I can do? We're all at our wit's end here, and punching him in the face is not an option.
Post by Dragonfly on 7 hours ago
Note: This is not a political thread. The mentions below do not represent my personal views, nor do I wish to discuss them. They are, however, needed in order to paint a complete picture. Mods, edit as you see fit.
Roughly a year and a half ago, my family found out that my dad has Asperger's. We always knew there was something "off," but we were never quite able to put our collective finger on it. Everything clicked into place when we found out. He's not Rain Man or anything. If you would run into him into the street, you would never know. But believe me, it's there. And it's getting worse by the day. That's what I need advice with.
My dad is completely and totally unable to let anything, both real and perceived, go. According to the doctors, it's solely because of the Asperger's. And when I say "anything," I do mean anything. My mom still get yelled at for things she said in 1978. I have had entire days (and weeks and even a month once) ruined because of something relatively minor I did months/years earlier. My dad stopped talking to my uncle because he refused to by him a sausage sandwich in 1964. He doesn't even remember it happening. (To be fair, said uncle is far from a saint. But the main source of the feud is the sandwich thing, not anything he's done recently.) To this day, he's mad at my late grandfather for an admittedly stupid comment he made in 1982, my aunt for grieving the death of my uncle the supposed "wrong way" (I'm serious) and every neighbor we've ever had. It just never stops. And if something is happening - he doesn't feel good, for example - it gets ten times worse.
Personal relationships aren't the only things he won't ever move past. It also extends to politics and society. For example, he doesn't just dislike the Clinton family. He doesn't just disagree with their politics. No, he's personally offended by their mere existence. He acts like as if he was the victim of every single thing they have ever allegedly done. I'm pretty sure I've heard about Whitewater or Monica Lewinsky more than even Chelsea has by this point. It's the same thing with every politician he dislikes - Ted Kennedy (Chappaquiddick), George H.W. Bush ("he ran the CIA"), Jimmy Carter (Iran) and Obama (pick a topic), just to name a few. He doesn't even expressly want to discuss it anymore. It's all a part of his ongoing stream of conscious rambling. One minute, it's about my cousin. The next, it's about Paula Jones or Al Gore. Then we hear the million dollar phrase: "Can you believe those liberals..."
But what about speaking your mind, you ask? It's hard to disagree when the person you're disagreeing with takes every dissenting opinion as criticism, and every piece of criticism as a personal attack. If you're not careful, a conversation about the Senate can turn into screaming match about the time I hid a bad test score from him in the second grade lightning fast. And when he feels that he's being attacked, he defends himself by saying every mean, derogatory thing about you he can think of. You'd be shocked at the things I've heard. He doesn't "get" traditional jokes these days and doesn't understand metaphors, so diffusing the situation with humor is nigh impossible. (It's like living with Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy, if Drax was retired musician from Pittsburgh instead of Dave Batista.) It's just easier to nod and agree for hours on end, even if the stuff coming out of his mouth is completely contradictory. It works, but it sure gets tiring.
This brings me to our phone conversation last night. Between the election, his quiet frustration over the fact that my wife and I dumped our landline, a few inconvenient car repairs and what will inevitably be sinus infection number 523,497, he wasn't hearing a damned word anyone was saying. And I do mean that literally. I was interrupted at least a dozen times, including once where he tried to hang up in the middle of a sentence. Being interrupted is my number one pet peeve (gee, I wonder why...), so it was seriously pissing me off. None of my "tricks" to get him to shut the hell up were working. My wife ended up having to yell "she's still talking, dammit!" in order to get him to stop. I got to say my complete thought, but it was immediately discounted because, and I quote, I "haven't lived long enough." We hung up shortly thereafter. And here's the kicker: Whatever we heard pales in comparison to what my mom and brother are hearing. Hell, my brother had to get a freaking hotel room just so he can study for his latest nursing exam without being bothered or badgered at.
In a lot of ways, it's not anything out of the ordinary. The election will end, my parents will pull from their fairly large nest egg and he'll get a prescription. By Thanksgiving, he won't even remember this happened. But here's the thing: I still do. All of those feelings of anger and frustration started to bubble up and this time, they're not going away. We feel that we can't even consider moving back home to Pittsburgh in fear of getting sucked into his orbit of useless bullshit. I don't know if the next conversation we have is going to be about Christmas and how much Raw sucked or my grandfather and Ken Starr. I don't want to cut all ties because, despite everything I just said, he's a pretty good guy. It's not his fault and he generally means well. He's even taking a few meds to "make him think better" (his words). But good intentions and a medical diagnosis doesn't make things any easier or less annoying.
So I ask: Is there anything I can do? We're all at our wit's end here, and punching him in the face is not an option.