Discussion:
Motivation for socialising
(too old to reply)
d***@fsmail.net
2013-03-29 20:28:10 UTC
Permalink
I have probably asked something like this before, but I think the membership of the group has changed since I did.

As I have gained experience in life, I have realised that my social interactions are held back not so much by lack of social ability (it isn't great, but it is passable), but because I have almost no desire to socialise.

If you ever like socialising (even if just sometimes and not most of the time), what do you get out of it? I am hoping someone will say something that will make me start to think abotu socialising a bit differently to the way I have done in the past. Of course, it may be that my wiring cannot be re-wired.

Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
Autindividual
2013-03-30 01:44:13 UTC
Permalink
Post by d***@fsmail.net
I have probably asked something like this before, but I think the
membership of the group has changed since I did.
I hope it's changed for the better ;)
Post by d***@fsmail.net
As I have gained experience in life, I have realised that my social
interactions are held back not so much by lack of social ability (it
isn't great, but it is passable), but because I have almost no desire
to socialise.
Same here, but I'll qualify that by saying that I have no desire to
socialize in the absence of Quality people to socialize with...and the
Number One Quality factor is Acceptance of differences...and it's not
very common, to say the least, most unfortunately.
Post by d***@fsmail.net
If you ever like socialising (even if just sometimes and not most of
the time), what do you get out of it? I am hoping someone will say
something that will make me start to think abotu socialising a bit
differently to the way I have done in the past. Of course, it may be
that my wiring cannot be re-wired.
Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
What I *seek* to get out of it is something pleasant, like knowledge,
REAL friendship, even Love - that's what I seek, Finding it is quite
another matter, and usually a frustrating experience.
d***@fsmail.net
2013-03-30 15:34:28 UTC
Permalink
Post by Autindividual
Post by d***@fsmail.net
I have probably asked something like this before, but I think the
membership of the group has changed since I did.
I hope it's changed for the better ;)
There are a smaller number of active posters now and a lot of the long-standing "regulars" have gone. It is different, not better nor worse.
Post by Autindividual
Post by d***@fsmail.net
As I have gained experience in life, I have realised that my social
interactions are held back not so much by lack of social ability (it
isn't great, but it is passable), but because I have almost no desire
to socialise.
Same here, but I'll qualify that by saying that I have no desire to
socialize in the absence of Quality people to socialize with...and the
Number One Quality factor is Acceptance of differences...and it's not
very common, to say the least, most unfortunately.
That's an interesting point. Maybe there are some people out there who, for me, would be "quality people to socialise with". I do sometimes have the opportunity to socialise with "quality people" (e.g. some of my co-workers), but that's not the same thing.

I think one quality which would make socialising easy for me would be people who don't feel uncomfortable with silence.

What differences specifically do they need to accept?
Post by Autindividual
Post by d***@fsmail.net
If you ever like socialising (even if just sometimes and not most of
the time), what do you get out of it? I am hoping someone will say
something that will make me start to think about socialising a bit
differently to the way I have done in the past. Of course, it may be
that my wiring cannot be re-wired.
What I *seek* to get out of it is something pleasant, like knowledge,
REAL friendship, even Love - that's what I seek, Finding it is quite
another matter, and usually a frustrating experience.
After I posted this, I was reading an article on the internet (written for NTs rather than those on the spectrum) and it explained that most people seek to get something out of socialising (for example, the items you mentioned, or self-improvement or networking, and some others).

It has occurred to me that I could try treating socialising (and trying to avoid energy levels becoming too depleted while doing so) as a challenge and see how far I can get with it over the next few years.

Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
Mouse
2013-03-30 21:30:17 UTC
Permalink
Post by d***@fsmail.net
Post by Autindividual
Post by d***@fsmail.net
I have probably asked something like this before, but I think the
membership of the group has changed since I did.
I hope it's changed for the better ;)
There are a smaller number of active posters now and a lot of the long-standing "regulars" have gone. It is different, not better nor worse.
Post by Autindividual
Post by d***@fsmail.net
As I have gained experience in life, I have realised that my social
interactions are held back not so much by lack of social ability (it
isn't great, but it is passable), but because I have almost no desire
to socialise.
Same here, but I'll qualify that by saying that I have no desire to
socialize in the absence of Quality people to socialize with...and the
Number One Quality factor is Acceptance of differences...and it's not
very common, to say the least, most unfortunately.
That's an interesting point. Maybe there are some people out there who, for me, would be "quality people to socialise with". I do sometimes have the opportunity to socialise with "quality people" (e.g. some of my co-workers), but that's not the same thing.
I think one quality which would make socialising easy for me would be people who don't feel uncomfortable with silence.
What differences specifically do they need to accept?
Post by Autindividual
Post by d***@fsmail.net
If you ever like socialising (even if just sometimes and not most of
the time), what do you get out of it? I am hoping someone will say
something that will make me start to think about socialising a bit
differently to the way I have done in the past. Of course, it may be
that my wiring cannot be re-wired.
What I *seek* to get out of it is something pleasant, like knowledge,
REAL friendship, even Love - that's what I seek, Finding it is quite
another matter, and usually a frustrating experience.
After I posted this, I was reading an article on the internet (written for NTs rather than those on the spectrum) and it explained that most people seek to get something out of socialising (for example, the items you mentioned, or self-improvement or networking, and some others).
It has occurred to me that I could try treating socialising (and trying to avoid energy levels becoming too depleted while doing so) as a challenge and see how far I can get with it over the next few years.
Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
I rarely socialize unless I have to, just too tiring and slightly
painful and awkward. I never socialize with people I work with, I need
and insist on good boundaries in how I relate to others. Didn't have
them as a kid and paid dearly for it.
--
<:3 )~
Autindividual
2013-03-31 02:56:31 UTC
Permalink
Post by d***@fsmail.net
There are a smaller number of active posters now and a lot of the
long-standing "regulars" have gone. It is different, not better nor
worse.
I just assumed that activity would vary over time and that it had slowed
down a bit, to be followed by more activity.
Post by d***@fsmail.net
That's an interesting point. Maybe there are some people out there
who, for me, would be "quality people to socialise with". I do
sometimes have the opportunity to socialise with "quality people"
(e.g. some of my co-workers), but that's not the same thing.
By "quality", I basically mean not boring, as in less NT ;)
Post by d***@fsmail.net
I think one quality which would make socialising easy for me would be
people who don't feel uncomfortable with silence.
Silence can be a relative thing, or it can mean more reliance on
telepathy than usual...nothing wrong with that.
Post by d***@fsmail.net
What differences specifically do they need to accept?
In my case, my viewing the universe from such a different perspective.
I've always been very unconventional to put it mildly, and that
apparently bothers a lot of people. Then there's the usual, like not
making eye contact, which is very natural and 'normal' for me my whole
life, because I really don't need to do it unless I'm going to be
extremely if not totally intimate with someone.
Post by d***@fsmail.net
After I posted this, I was reading an article on the internet (written
for NTs rather than those on the spectrum) and it explained that most
people seek to get something out of socialising (for example, the
items you mentioned, or self-improvement or networking, and some
others).
There has to be some kind of incentive, and even the NT recognize that.
Post by d***@fsmail.net
It has occurred to me that I could try treating socialising (and
trying to avoid energy levels becoming too depleted while doing so) as
a challenge and see how far I can get with it over the next few years.
Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
I don't believe it's so much a matter of 'trying' it as being
appropriately motivated to just do it...and if it doesn't turn out to be
worthwhile, a quick exit will solve that problem.
d***@fsmail.net
2013-04-06 19:14:17 UTC
Permalink
Post by Autindividual
I don't believe it's so much a matter of 'trying' it as being
appropriately motivated to just do it...and if it doesn't turn out to be
worthwhile, a quick exit will solve that problem.
What I realised it boiled down to was "I want to want what I don't want".

But that is impossible. A brick wall. My limit. Thinking back to my attitude to socialising at every stage of my life and realising the finality of that statement a few days ago (and bearing the burden of another problem) very nearly broke me in a way that nothing has ever done before. I will now empathise a lot more with people who are depressed and need help from others; even I, with my very rational mind and healthy (natural) approach to living, for once found it difficult to help myself and was suffering physical effects (e.g. lack of sleep and tension). I think I have sorted myself out now though.

Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
Mouse
2013-04-07 15:33:18 UTC
Permalink
Post by d***@fsmail.net
What I realised it boiled down to was "I want to want what I don't want".
But that is impossible. A brick wall. My limit. Thinking back to my attitude to socialising at every stage of my life and realising the finality of that statement a few days ago (and bearing the burden of another problem) very nearly broke me in a way that nothing has ever done before. I will now empathise a lot more with people who are depressed and need help from others; even I, with my very rational mind and healthy (natural) approach to living, for once found it difficult to help myself and was suffering physical effects (e.g. lack of sleep and tension). I think I have sorted myself out now though.
Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
Glad to see you are working through the low spot, Dolphinius. It's all
about what you want rather than what you have been lead to believe you
should want. BTW, here's an article I find interesting, nothing we don't
already know, but it is good to see that the understanding is growing.
This finding is spot-on for me, highly visual, artistic, peace-seeking,
hopelessly disorganized socially, take a long time to make decisions
which leads to a preference for routine.
Mouse

-----
Link:
"http://open.live.bbc.co.uk/atk/start?atk_url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bbc.co.uk%2Fnews%2Fhealth-12937009"

People with autism use their brains differently from other people, which
may explain why some have extraordinary abilities to remember and draw
objects in detail, according to new research.

University of Montreal scientists say in autistic people, the brain
areas that deal with visual information are highly developed.

Other brain areas are less active.

The National Autistic Society says the findings significantly increase
understanding of the condition.

The research, published in the journal Human Brain Mapping, pulls
together 15 years of data on the way the autistic brain works.

Better at visual tasks

It suggests that the brains of autistic people are organised differently
from those of other people; the area at the back of the brain, which
processes visual information, is more highly developed.

That leaves less brain capacity in areas which deal with decision-making
and planning.

Areas where autistic brains are more activeThat may be why people with
autism can be better than others at carrying out some types of visual tasks.

For example, some are able to draw highly accurate and detailed images
from memory.

However, they can find it difficult to interpret things like facial
expressions.

The condition varies in severity, with some people functioning well, but
others completely unable to take part in normal society.

The researchers believe their findings may lead towards new ways of
helping people to live with the condition.

"For example, this may show a means to help people to literacy in a much
more natural way than the usual methods of helping autistic people,"
said Dr Laurent Mottron from the University of Montreal.

"The natural tendency is to think that autism is a form of
disorganisation. Here, what we see is that it is a reorganisation of the
brain," he said.

Understanding autism

Autism experts regard the research findings as significant.

"This review highlights that autism should not only be seen as a
condition with behavioural difficulties, but should also be associated
with particular skill," said Dr Christine Ecker from the Institute of
Psychiatry at Kings College, London.

"It offers us unique insights into the way people with autism perceive
their environment and helps us to understand some of their behaviour."

She said it added to the understanding of autism. "Knowing the strengths
and difficulties of someone with autism may help to better understand
their needs and help them maximize their potential."

Carol Povey of the National Autistic Society said: "This study is
interesting as it begins to demonstrate why people with autism often
show a strong single channel for focus and attention.

"Some adults with autism develop their own ways of coping with this
experience, some seek out calm and quiet places, whilst others find
creative outlets, like art, can help them both process the information
as well as give others an insight into how they see the world.

"The more insight we have into the way autism affects sensory
processing, the more people with autism, their families and
professionals can develop strategies to make daily life easier."
--
<:3 )~
d***@fsmail.net
2013-04-07 21:33:47 UTC
Permalink
Post by Mouse
Post by d***@fsmail.net
What I realised it boiled down to was "I want to want what I don't want".
[snip of Dolphinius's message]
Post by Mouse
Glad to see you are working through the low spot, Dolphinius. It's all
about what you want rather than what you have been lead to believe you
should want.
You have prompted another thought. This gets complicated, but perhaps what I really want doesn't exist. It's like me saying "I want a die with a 6 on one side, a 5 on another side and a 4 on a third side and the other three sides completely blank. Theoretically a die could be made like that, but it isn't. I have to choose between either a small cube with nothing on any of the sides or a normal die.
Post by Mouse
BTW, here's an article I find interesting, nothing we don't
already know, but it is good to see that the understanding is growing.
This finding is spot-on for me, highly visual, artistic, peace-seeking,
hopelessly disorganized socially, take a long time to make decisions
which leads to a preference for routine.
That's a good point. I hadn't thought that might be why I follow routines. That suggests we break out of routines but only when we have strong motivation to do something different, which I think is largely true in my case, at least where the routine is very well established.

Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
Autindividual
2013-04-07 21:29:15 UTC
Permalink
Post by d***@fsmail.net
What I realised it boiled down to was "I want to want what I don't want".
I never thought of it that way, because I can't imagine why.
Post by d***@fsmail.net
But that is impossible. A brick wall. My limit. Thinking back to my
attitude to socialising at every stage of my life and realising the
finality of that statement a few days ago (and bearing the burden of
another problem) very nearly broke me in a way that nothing has ever
done before. I will now empathise a lot more with people who are
depressed and need help from others; even I, with my very rational
mind and healthy (natural) approach to living, for once found it
difficult to help myself and was suffering physical effects (e.g. lack
of sleep and tension). I think I have sorted myself out now though.
Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
I believe that all of this is a learning experience, and learning
differently, we just go about it diffferently, usually by an entirely
different route from the NT method, but ultimately, we can arrive at the
same place, and that's really the only part that matters.
d***@fsmail.net
2013-04-07 21:50:07 UTC
Permalink
Post by Autindividual
Post by d***@fsmail.net
What I realised it boiled down to was "I want to want what I don't
want".
I never thought of it that way, because I can't imagine why.
You can't imagine why what?

Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
Autindividual
2013-04-08 13:07:22 UTC
Permalink
Post by d***@fsmail.net
You can't imagine why what?
Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
I can't imagine wanting to want what I really don't want, unless of course,
I only discover that I really don't want it after all, after first getting
it ;)
aquarianmonkey
2013-04-09 00:23:59 UTC
Permalink
Post by Autindividual
I can't imagine wanting to want what I really don't want, unless of course,
I only discover that I really don't want it after all, after first getting
it ;)
I can't help but think of a Garrison Keillor quote:

"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known."
Autindividual
2013-04-09 15:29:12 UTC
Permalink
Post by aquarianmonkey
"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting
what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to
see is what you would have wanted had you known."
It all gets so overcomplicated ;)
I'll just suffice it to say that I just hope that what I want is also what
I need, and that I'll get it ;)
aquarianmonkey
2013-04-07 21:25:50 UTC
Permalink
Post by d***@fsmail.net
I have probably asked something like this before, but I think the membership of the group has changed since I did.
As I have gained experience in life, I have realised that my social interactions are held back not so much by lack of social ability (it isn't great, but it is passable), but because I have almost no desire to socialise.
If you ever like socialising (even if just sometimes and not most of the time), what do you get out of it? I am hoping someone will say something that will make me start to think abotu socialising a bit differently to the way I have done in the past. Of course, it may be that my wiring cannot be re-wired.
Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
Dolphinius, you socialize here. Socializing with you over the past years has been pleasant for me. Perhaps it's that you need to define "socializing" differently. It doesn't have to be going to parties, going out for drinks, or any of the other stereotypically "social" things. To me, socializing is any exchange with another person that is done of my own free will (i.e. not just because of work)that satisfies some need in me. Sometimes it is a need to bitch. Sometimes it is a need to be understood. Sometimes it is a need to laugh. Sometimes it is a need to understand. And sometimes it is just a need to "be" somewhere familiar, with familiar voices.

So, I challenge your statement that you do not wish to socialize. You initiate a good number of the threads here. Is this not socialization? I think it is...
d***@fsmail.net
2013-04-07 21:48:44 UTC
Permalink
Post by aquarianmonkey
Dolphinius, you socialize here. Socializing with you over the past years has been pleasant for me. Perhaps it's that you need to define "socializing" differently. It doesn't have to be going to parties, going out for drinks, or any of the other stereotypically "social" things.
I agree that posting here is a form of socialising, but it is not face-to-face socialising, which is what I was thinking about.
Post by aquarianmonkey
To me, socializing is any exchange with another person that is done of my own free will (i.e. not just because of work)that satisfies some need in me. Sometimes it is a need to bitch. Sometimes it is a need to be understood. Sometimes it is a need to laugh. Sometimes it is a need to understand. And sometimes it is just a need to "be" somewhere familiar, with familiar voices.
I don't have those needs much perhaps because I don't get lonely much. Sometimes I feel like I would like to talk, but cannot imagine who I would talk to. I definitely don't need much socialising because I have spent most of my life trying to avoid it :-). That said, I think I do need some, but it is more than satisfied by contact with people at work (e.g. short social conversations such as seeing the humour in a situation during the working day). Maybe if I wasn't working I would want to (and make the effort to) socialise more?
Post by aquarianmonkey
So, I challenge your statement that you do not wish to socialize. You initiate a good number of the threads here. Is this not socialization? I think it is...
However, I don't do a lot of the things that socialising should be in these threads. To remedy that a bit, how are things going with you, and how are R and D getting on?

Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
aquarianmonkey
2013-04-07 22:14:18 UTC
Permalink
Post by d***@fsmail.net
However, I don't do a lot of the things that socialising should be in these threads. To remedy that a bit, how are things going with you, and how are R and D getting on?
Now you are chit-chatting, which is only a subgroup of socializing! :)

D is doing awesome. Seriously. She is in second grade now and is academically advanced. She gets social skills support in her school in the form of a weekly meeting with the school psychologist and ad hoc help as the need arises. She does still have some social deficits, but I would say all-in-all she is doing very well. She continues to have a gift with art and is currently fascinated with anime and has her own set of anime-inspired creations. She has started writing short stories and says she wants to be "an author and an illustrator" when she grows up. Her teacher says that if she continues upon her current trajectory, that is a reasonable wish.

R is having a really hard time in school because of rather severe executive dysfunction. Of course it doesn't help much that his areas of weakness are the same as mine. It is very hard for me to help him with things that I also find very difficult. Aside from that, he continues to be a great kid. He has learned a lot about things that make him a target for bullying so this doesn't seem to be as big of an issue anymore because he avoids certain behaviors at school. He has found a nice group of friends and is generally a happy kid.

As for me, I am fine. But I really do not like my new job. There is a tolerance for mediocrity that I find deplorable and the lack of accountability organization-wide is frustrating beyond belief. But there are not many opportunities in my area for my skillset, so I have to just stay focused on being thankful that I have a job that pays my bills.

The place we moved is great, though! :)
d***@fsmail.net
2013-04-09 19:01:20 UTC
Permalink
Post by aquarianmonkey
Post by d***@fsmail.net
However, I don't do a lot of the things that socialising should be in these threads. To remedy that a bit, how are things going with you, and how are R and D getting on?
After I wrote that I realised that those initials normally stand for 'Research and Development'. From what you wrote the latter seems appropriate enough for D. Does R investigate things much?
Post by aquarianmonkey
Now you are chit-chatting, which is only a subgroup of socializing! :)
Seems hardly worth it then if it doesn't even count ... :-)
Post by aquarianmonkey
D is doing awesome. Seriously. She is in second grade now and is academically advanced. She gets social skills support in her school in the form of a weekly meeting with the school psychologist and ad hoc help as the need arises. She does still have some social deficits, but I would say all-in-all she is doing very well. She continues to have a gift with art and is currently fascinated with anime and has her own set of anime-inspired creations. She has started writing short stories and says she wants to be "an author and an illustrator" when she grows up. Her teacher says that if she continues upon her current trajectory, that is a reasonable wish.
How does she interact with other children?

By the way, have you read about the autistic artist Stephen Wiltshire?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1223790/Autistic-artist-draws-18ft-picture-New-York-skyline-memory.html
Post by aquarianmonkey
R is having a really hard time in school because of rather severe executive dysfunction. Of course it doesn't help much that his areas of weakness are the same as mine. It is very hard for me to help him with things that I also find very difficult. Aside from that, he continues to be a great kid. He has learned a lot about things that make him a target for bullying so this doesn't seem to be as big of an issue anymore because he avoids certain behaviors at school. He has found a nice group of friends and is generally a happy kid.
Out of interest what are your areas of weakness in this regard?
Post by aquarianmonkey
As for me, I am fine. But I really do not like my new job. There is a tolerance for mediocrity that I find deplorable and the lack of accountability organization-wide is frustrating beyond belief.
It sounds like a government agency.
Post by aquarianmonkey
But there are not many opportunities in my area for my skillset, so I have to just stay focused on being thankful that I have a job that pays my bills.
The place we moved is great, though! :)
I am starting to like my house more and more. I will like it even better when I convert it into the sort of cave I want it to be. I am thinking of getting rid of almost all the furniture in my sitting room so I have a big open space to exist in. At the moment I don't use it much as there is no real reason for me to be in that room. It is set up for other people not for me (but I very rarely have visitors).

Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
aquarianmonkey
2013-04-09 23:51:12 UTC
Permalink
Post by d***@fsmail.net
From what you wrote the latter seems appropriate enough for D. Does R investigate things much?
Actually, he does. He's a very inquisitive kid.
Post by d***@fsmail.net
Post by aquarianmonkey
Now you are chit-chatting, which is only a subgroup of socializing! :)
Seems hardly worth it then if it doesn't even count ... :-)
Yep. You are wasting your idle chit-chat skills on me! :) But I do appreciate your interest in the kiddos!
Post by d***@fsmail.net
How does she interact with other children?
She still has social deficits. She is very bossy and controlling in unstructured settings. She sees everything as the fault of others, even when it is her own fault, and she misinterprets most accidents to be intentional slights. But in more structured settings, she does a much better job of following social protocols because the "rules" are more in her mind. If she's consciously cued to follow particular "rules" she can do it pretty well. It's mostly when she is left to her own devices that she finds herself in trouble. Her teacher helps her a lot and keeps a close eye on her to catch it early when there have been misinterpretations. The school psychologist has worked with her to teach her relaxation techniques, how to recognize signs of building irritation in other kids, and how to recognize her own signs. She used to have a tendency to "explode" because she had a hard time recognizing when she was getting overwhelmed or overstimulated, so she didn't know when to take a break. My understanding is that his help with these kinds of things is steadily decreasing.
Post by d***@fsmail.net
By the way, have you read about the autistic artist Stephen Wiltshire?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1223790/Autistic-artist-draws-18ft-picture-New-York-skyline-memory.html
No, but I will.
Post by d***@fsmail.net
Out of interest what are your areas of weakness in this regard?
Short term memory, task initiation, organization, and planning. He has carried homework around with him in his backpack for over a week because he forgets to turn it in. When he gets to his classes, he just sits there as still as a statue, even though for over a year, the routine has been to take out your assignment pad and write down the assignment. If he gets even just a small prompt, he jumps right to it, but it is as if the initiation sequence is missing. He forgets his books everywhere. His pencils. His worksheets. He has given up going to his locker at all because he never makes it to the next place. He is like me in that he can pay attention just fine. He just has no control over what he pays attention to (like me!)

Ha!

I just realized you asked what are MY areas of weakness, NOT his! LOL!

Mine are kind of the same. They just look different in a grown up. Task initiation is a big one, maintaining organization is another (I am really good at organizing things, but I suck at keeping it that way), I have a horrible sense of time, so I think that a project will take me 5 hours, when really it takes me 25 hours. (not joking...this happens to me all the time and I end up working from home to meet my commitments) so it's not really that I can't plan. I can identify the steps. I just have a really unrealistic understanding of how long they will take and sometimes I get stuck and can't move from step to step.
Post by d***@fsmail.net
Post by aquarianmonkey
As for me, I am fine. But I really do not like my new job. There is a tolerance for mediocrity that I find deplorable and the lack of accountability organization-wide is frustrating beyond belief.
It sounds like a government agency.
Actually, it is far worse than the government agency I worked for. It's actually embarrassing to work there.
Post by d***@fsmail.net
I am starting to like my house more and more. I will like it even better when I convert it into the sort of cave I want it to be. I am thinking of getting rid of almost all the furniture in my sitting room so I have a big open space to exist in. At the moment I don't use it much as there is no real reason for me to be in that room. It is set up for other people not for me (but I very rarely have visitors).
I am all for using spaces in nontraditional ways. Your home should be your sanctuary. If you do not entertain much, why have a space for entertaining? I, for one, will never have a formal living room. Even if there is a "formal living room" in my house. (There is one right now and it is empty, as is the "formal dining room" because I have no money for furniture! LOL!) I do not see any reason to have a formal living room. Sure they "look" pretty, but who wants a room in their house where you have to constantly be worried about someone ruining something? Not someone with 2 kids and 3 pets, that's for sure!


...I remember the day when your signature said "late 30's!" :) I have realized that as of this year, I do believe I am officially "middle aged" by pretty much anyone's standards...45.
Phil W Lee
2013-04-10 01:28:14 UTC
Permalink
Post by aquarianmonkey
Post by d***@fsmail.net
From what you wrote the latter seems appropriate enough for D. Does R investigate things much?
Actually, he does. He's a very inquisitive kid.
Post by d***@fsmail.net
Post by aquarianmonkey
Now you are chit-chatting, which is only a subgroup of socializing! :)
Seems hardly worth it then if it doesn't even count ... :-)
Yep. You are wasting your idle chit-chat skills on me! :) But I do appreciate your interest in the kiddos!
Post by d***@fsmail.net
How does she interact with other children?
She still has social deficits. She is very bossy and controlling in unstructured settings. She sees everything as the fault of others, even when it is her own fault, and she misinterprets most accidents to be intentional slights. But in more structured settings, she does a much better job of following social protocols because the "rules" are more in her mind. If she's consciously cued to follow particular "rules" she can do it pretty well. It's mostly when she is left to her own devices that she finds herself in trouble.
That is remarkably like my eldest, although the problem with him is
that he is nearly 15 and over 6 ft tall now, so when he starts getting
unreasonable, people can get hurt.

I'm sure I didn't have as many issues when I was that age, but life
was more structured generally then.
Teenage hormones and AS don't make a good mix in a lad that size :(
Post by aquarianmonkey
Her teacher helps her a lot and keeps a close eye on her to catch it early when there have been misinterpretations. The school psychologist has worked with her to teach her relaxation techniques, how to recognize signs of building irritation in other kids, and how to recognize her own signs. She used to have a tendency to "explode" because she had a hard time recognizing when she was getting overwhelmed or overstimulated, so she didn't know when to take a break. My
understanding is that his help with these kinds of things is steadily decreasing.
In our lads case, the help diminished to zero, and we're fighting to
get it back.
Post by aquarianmonkey
Post by d***@fsmail.net
By the way, have you read about the autistic artist Stephen Wiltshire?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1223790/Autistic-artist-draws-18ft-picture-New-York-skyline-memory.html
No, but I will.
Post by d***@fsmail.net
Out of interest what are your areas of weakness in this regard?
Short term memory, task initiation, organization, and planning. He has carried homework around with him in his backpack for over a week because he forgets to turn it in. When he gets to his classes, he just sits there as still as a statue, even though for over a year, the routine has been to take out your assignment pad and write down the assignment. If he gets even just a small prompt, he jumps right to it, but it is as if the initiation sequence is missing. He forgets his books everywhere. His pencils. His worksheets. He has given up going to his locker at all because he never makes it to the next place. He is like me in that he can pay attention just fine. He just has no control over what he pays attention to (like me!)
And me.
And my two older boys, also both AS.
Post by aquarianmonkey
Ha!
I just realized you asked what are MY areas of weakness, NOT his! LOL!
Mine are kind of the same. They just look different in a grown up. Task initiation is a big one, maintaining organization is another (I am really good at organizing things, but I suck at keeping it that way), I have a horrible sense of time, so I think that a project will take me 5 hours, when really it takes me 25 hours. (not joking...this happens to me all the time and I end up working from home to meet my commitments) so it's not really that I can't plan. I can identify the steps. I just have a really unrealistic understanding of how long they will take and sometimes I get stuck and can't move from step to step.
I can do some of that - if I get the right prompts to make sure I've
taken everything into account.
Without them, I'm hopeless.
Post by aquarianmonkey
Post by d***@fsmail.net
Post by aquarianmonkey
As for me, I am fine. But I really do not like my new job. There is a tolerance for mediocrity that I find deplorable and the lack of accountability organization-wide is frustrating beyond belief.
It sounds like a government agency.
Actually, it is far worse than the government agency I worked for. It's actually embarrassing to work there.
I've had jobs like that.
Post by aquarianmonkey
Post by d***@fsmail.net
I am starting to like my house more and more. I will like it even better when I convert it into the sort of cave I want it to be. I am thinking of getting rid of almost all the furniture in my sitting room so I have a big open space to exist in. At the moment I don't use it much as there is no real reason for me to be in that room. It is set up for other people not for me (but I very rarely have visitors).
I am all for using spaces in nontraditional ways. Your home should be your sanctuary. If you do not entertain much, why have a space for entertaining? I, for one, will never have a formal living room. Even if there is a "formal living room" in my house. (There is one right now and it is empty, as is the "formal dining room" because I have no money for furniture! LOL!) I do not see any reason to have a formal living room. Sure they "look" pretty, but who wants a room in their house where you have to constantly be worried about someone ruining something? Not someone with 2 kids and 3 pets, that's for sure!
My house has to be pretty child and pet proof as well.
4 kids, and (as of saturday) 3 cats (new one is still more of a
kitten). I wouldn't want expensive curtains, that's for sure!
My sanctuary is my shed - actually a log cabin in the back garden.
I'm still struggling to get it the way I need it, due to physical
difficulties that give me problems in moving myself around, much less
anything else.
Post by aquarianmonkey
...I remember the day when your signature said "late 30's!" :) I have realized that as of this year, I do believe I am officially "middle aged" by pretty much anyone's standards...45.
51 here, and feeling all of it :(
d***@fsmail.net
2013-04-10 21:09:04 UTC
Permalink
Post by aquarianmonkey
Post by d***@fsmail.net
How does she interact with other children?
She still has social deficits. She is very bossy and controlling in unstructured settings. She sees everything as the fault of others, even when it is her own fault, and she misinterprets most accidents to be intentional slights. But in more structured settings, she does a much better job of following social protocols because the "rules" are more in her mind. If she's consciously cued to follow particular "rules" she can do it pretty well. It's mostly when she is left to her own devices that she finds herself in trouble. Her teacher helps her a lot and keeps a close eye on her to catch it early when there have been misinterpretations. The school psychologist has worked with her to teach her relaxation techniques, how to recognize signs of building irritation in other kids, and how to recognize her own signs. She used to have a tendency to "explode" because she had a hard time recognizing when she was getting overwhelmed or overstimulated, so she didn't know when to take a break. My understanding is that his help with these kinds of things is steadily decreasing.
Sometimes one knows when to take a break, but it is too hard to do.
Post by aquarianmonkey
Post by d***@fsmail.net
Out of interest what are your areas of weakness in this regard?
Short term memory, task initiation, organization, and planning. He has carried homework around with him in his backpack for over a week because he forgets to turn it in. When he gets to his classes, he just sits there as still as a statue, even though for over a year, the routine has been to take out your assignment pad and write down the assignment. If he gets even just a small prompt, he jumps right to it, but it is as if the initiation sequence is missing. He forgets his books everywhere. His pencils. His worksheets. He has given up going to his locker at all because he never makes it to the next place. He is like me in that he can pay attention just fine. He just has no control over what he pays attention to (like me!)
Ha!
I just realized you asked what are MY areas of weakness, NOT his! LOL!
You were paying attention to the sentence, just the wrong part of it. Still, since you said you had similar areas of weakness that will do just fine. :-)

What you describe above is not something I relate to as I have always been well organised (except when I get disorganised, but I try to do something about it when that happens).
Post by aquarianmonkey
Mine are kind of the same. They just look different in a grown up. Task initiation is a big one, maintaining organization is another (I am really good at organizing things, but I suck at keeping it that way), I have a horrible sense of time, so I think that a project will take me 5 hours, when really it takes me 25 hours.
I am the same as you there. At work I used to be asked how long something would take and I always underestimated. In the end I took my best estimate and multiplied it by 3. With that adjustment I was usually about right, although people didn't then like the response as to how long it would take.
Post by aquarianmonkey
(not joking...this happens to me all the time and I end up working from home to meet my commitments) so it's not really that I can't plan. I can identify the steps. I just have a really unrealistic understanding of how long they will take and sometimes I get stuck and can't move from step to step.
At work I have a reputation for being very detailed and taking longer than several of my co-workers. However, it is very difficult to do differently. When reviewing or analysing something I often see things that others don't see and often then have to work out what to do about things that others will not be aware of. So I take longer.
Post by aquarianmonkey
Post by d***@fsmail.net
I am starting to like my house more and more. I will like it even better when I convert it into the sort of cave I want it to be. I am thinking of getting rid of almost all the furniture in my sitting room so I have a big open space to exist in. At the moment I don't use it much as there is no real reason for me to be in that room. It is set up for other people not for me (but I very rarely have visitors).
I am all for using spaces in nontraditional ways. Your home should be your sanctuary. If you do not entertain much, why have a space for entertaining? I, for one, will never have a formal living room. Even if there is a "formal living room" in my house. (There is one right now and it is empty, as is the "formal dining room" because I have no money for furniture! LOL!) I do not see any reason to have a formal living room. Sure they "look" pretty, but who wants a room in their house where you have to constantly be worried about someone ruining something? Not someone with 2 kids and 3 pets, that's for sure!
Yes, it needs to be functional.
Post by aquarianmonkey
...I remember the day when your signature said "late 30's!" :)
I remember when it said "late 20's!". See, still have all my faculties! :-)
Post by aquarianmonkey
I have realized that as of this year, I do believe I am officially "middle aged" by pretty much anyone's standards...45.
45 is still young. I am not planning on slowing down until I am 80.

Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
Phil W Lee
2013-04-11 04:51:23 UTC
Permalink
Post by aquarianmonkey
Post by aquarianmonkey
Post by d***@fsmail.net
How does she interact with other children?
She still has social deficits. She is very bossy and controlling in unstructured settings. She sees everything as the fault of others, even when it is her own fault, and she misinterprets most accidents to be intentional slights. But in more structured settings, she does a much better job of following social protocols because the "rules" are more in her mind. If she's consciously cued to follow particular "rules" she can do it pretty well. It's mostly when she is left to her own devices that she finds herself in trouble. Her teacher helps her a lot and keeps a close eye on her to catch it early when there have been misinterpretations. The school psychologist has worked with her to teach her relaxation techniques, how to recognize signs of building irritation in other kids, and how to recognize her own signs. She used to have a tendency to "explode" because she had a hard time recognizing when she was getting overwhelmed or overstimulated, so she didn't know when to take a break.
My
Post by aquarianmonkey
understanding is that his help with these kinds of things is steadily decreasing.
Sometimes one knows when to take a break, but it is too hard to do.
Post by aquarianmonkey
Post by d***@fsmail.net
Out of interest what are your areas of weakness in this regard?
Short term memory, task initiation, organization, and planning. He has carried homework around with him in his backpack for over a week because he forgets to turn it in. When he gets to his classes, he just sits there as still as a statue, even though for over a year, the routine has been to take out your assignment pad and write down the assignment. If he gets even just a small prompt, he jumps right to it, but it is as if the initiation sequence is missing. He forgets his books everywhere. His pencils. His worksheets. He has given up going to his locker at all because he never makes it to the next place. He is like me in that he can pay attention just fine. He just has no control over what he pays attention to (like me!)
Ha!
I just realized you asked what are MY areas of weakness, NOT his! LOL!
You were paying attention to the sentence, just the wrong part of it. Still, since you said you had similar areas of weakness that will do just fine. :-)
What you describe above is not something I relate to as I have always been well organised (except when I get disorganised, but I try to do something about it when that happens).
Post by aquarianmonkey
Mine are kind of the same. They just look different in a grown up. Task initiation is a big one, maintaining organization is another (I am really good at organizing things, but I suck at keeping it that way), I have a horrible sense of time, so I think that a project will take me 5 hours, when really it takes me 25 hours.
I am the same as you there. At work I used to be asked how long something would take and I always underestimated. In the end I took my best estimate and multiplied it by 3. With that adjustment I was usually about right, although people didn't then like the response as to how long it would take.
Post by aquarianmonkey
(not joking...this happens to me all the time and I end up working from home to meet my commitments) so it's not really that I can't plan. I can identify the steps. I just have a really unrealistic understanding of how long they will take and sometimes I get stuck and can't move from step to step.
At work I have a reputation for being very detailed and taking longer than several of my co-workers. However, it is very difficult to do differently. When reviewing or analysing something I often see things that others don't see and often then have to work out what to do about things that others will not be aware of. So I take longer.
Post by aquarianmonkey
Post by d***@fsmail.net
I am starting to like my house more and more. I will like it even better when I convert it into the sort of cave I want it to be. I am thinking of getting rid of almost all the furniture in my sitting room so I have a big open space to exist in. At the moment I don't use it much as there is no real reason for me to be in that room. It is set up for other people not for me (but I very rarely have visitors).
I am all for using spaces in nontraditional ways. Your home should be your sanctuary. If you do not entertain much, why have a space for entertaining? I, for one, will never have a formal living room. Even if there is a "formal living room" in my house. (There is one right now and it is empty, as is the "formal dining room" because I have no money for furniture! LOL!) I do not see any reason to have a formal living room. Sure they "look" pretty, but who wants a room in their house where you have to constantly be worried about someone ruining something? Not someone with 2 kids and 3 pets, that's for sure!
Yes, it needs to be functional.
Post by aquarianmonkey
...I remember the day when your signature said "late 30's!" :)
I remember when it said "late 20's!". See, still have all my faculties! :-)
The sign of aging is when you can remember both of those, but struggle
with remembering which was which :-/
Post by aquarianmonkey
Post by aquarianmonkey
I have realized that as of this year, I do believe I am officially "middle aged" by pretty much anyone's standards...45.
45 is still young. I am not planning on slowing down until I am 80.
Niether was I :(
Post by aquarianmonkey
Dolphinius
(Male, early forties, UK, self-diagnosed AS)
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