I love you???

[d***@sbcglobal.net]

I began to notice early on that relationships
with members of the opposite sex often had
a kind of convention that was expected of you,
the convention of saying "I love you" at the
end of a typical phone conversation, etc. I
always found this very off-putting.

After learning and reading about Asperger's
I think I am coming to conclusion that I
simply don't love other people the way NTs
love other people. I am often very interested
in people, fond of people, but a love that
extends beyond the romantically-inspired
seems elusive, and if you don't feel it it's
hard to say it.

I wonder if anyone shares this sense of
not being able to love people back they way
they love you.

[Charani]

Post by d***@sbcglobal.net
I began to notice early on that relationships
with members of the opposite sex often had
a kind of convention that was expected of you,
the convention of saying "I love you" at the
end of a typical phone conversation, etc. I
always found this very off-putting.
After learning and reading about Asperger's
I think I am coming to conclusion that I
simply don't love other people the way NTs
love other people. I am often very interested
in people, fond of people, but a love that
extends beyond the romantically-inspired
seems elusive, and if you don't feel it it's
hard to say it.
I wonder if anyone shares this sense of
not being able to love people back they way
they love you.

Love is an elusive creature, the more you try to find it the less
likely you are to do so :))

There's no real convention whereby you *must* say "I love you" at the
end. It's only said when two people feel that way about one another,
or when one feels that way about the other.

For instance: I never said "I love you" or "love you" to either of my
parents, because I didn't feel that way about them. They never said
it to me either.

On the other hand my stepdaughters both say that to their father and
he says it to them, because they do feel that way. Both my children
will say it to us and we say it to them because we mean it, as do
they.

I always end a phone call to my husband, when he's away, with "love
you" and he'll say it to me because that's theway we feel about one
another.

I can't say those three/two words if that's not the way I feel. Nor
should they be said unless they are meant.

If they are hard to say, don't say them. They'll come naturally
enough at the right time, so don't worry :))

A lot of people mistake being *in* love with someone as loving them,
so that when the first flush of being *in* love changes to loving,
they mistakenly think that the relationship is dead when in fact it's
moved on to a higher level.

[Rowe Rickenbacker]

I wonder if anyone shares this sense of not being able to love people
back they way they love you.

Yep. Me.

I think I said "I love you" once in my current relationship, but
outright avoid saying it usually. My partner doesn't really say
it either, so it's not so bad, but there has been a definite
expectation before in relationships, and I think there
would be a larger one now if my partner didn't
have bigger confidence problems than I do.

Rowe

[r***@gmail.com]

[Gareeth]

Post by d***@sbcglobal.net
I wonder if anyone shares this sense of
not being able to love people back they way
they love you.

Yes I have felt like that. Even in a realtionship with another ASDer I felt
that my ability to love was less than them and that contributed to my giving
up on having a relationship.

Gareeth

[Hylander]

Post by d***@sbcglobal.net
I began to notice early on that relationships
with members of the opposite sex often had
a kind of convention that was expected of you,
the convention of saying "I love you" at the
end of a typical phone conversation, etc. I
always found this very off-putting.
After learning and reading about Asperger's
I think I am coming to conclusion that I
simply don't love other people the way NTs
love other people. I am often very interested
in people, fond of people, but a love that
extends beyond the romantically-inspired
seems elusive, and if you don't feel it it's
hard to say it.
I wonder if anyone shares this sense of
not being able to love people back they way
they love you.

I find it's extremes again. Some of us prefer to never say it except
when they really actually feel it which is seldom to never and others
expect it in an almost rigorous routine way where if you forget, it is
quickly reminded...and possibly correct you if you said it slightly
differently than last time. Some of us feel so unhappy (chronic
melancholie or constant depression) that it gets in the way of ever
really feeling something others tend to describe as "love".

John

[Nightingale]

Post by Hylander
I find it's extremes again. Some of us prefer to never say it except
when they really actually feel it

This is me - I never say anything if I don't really actually mean it.

Post by Hylander
which is seldom to never and others
expect it in an almost rigorous routine way where if you forget, it is
quickly reminded...and possibly correct you if you said it slightly
differently than last time.

That just doesn't make sense to me - it doesn't really mean much if it
becomes just a routine thing to say.

[Hylander]

Post by Nightingale

Post by Hylander
I find it's extremes again. Some of us prefer to never say it except
when they really actually feel it

This is me - I never say anything if I don't really actually mean it.

Post by Hylander
which is seldom to never and others
expect it in an almost rigorous routine way where if you forget, it is
quickly reminded...and possibly correct you if you said it slightly
differently than last time.

That just doesn't make sense to me - it doesn't really mean much if it
becomes just a routine thing to say.

Nor do a lot of things seem to "mean much" in terms of autistic
pursuits or routines though. Hence a lot of us get OCD labels too. I
know a girl who pings a lamp or vase with her finger a set number of
times for no reason at all. I have discovered there is a pleasure
principle difference though between stims and compulsions. However,
both seem to feel much like scratching an itch and many people with
compulsions do feel releif when the do it. Except me with my breathing
patterns getting messed up. Those were more like ticks and not fun. I
feel like I'm not getting enough oxygen all the time.

Hylander

[r***@gmail.com]

[k***@gmail.com]

Post by d***@sbcglobal.net
I began to notice early on that relationships
with members of the opposite sex often had
a kind of convention that was expected of you,
the convention of saying "I love you" at the
end of a typical phone conversation, etc. I
always found this very off-putting.
After learning and reading about Asperger's
I think I am coming to conclusion that I
simply don't love other people the way NTs
love other people. I am often very interested
in people, fond of people, but a love that
extends beyond the romantically-inspired
seems elusive, and if you don't feel it it's
hard to say it.
I wonder if anyone shares this sense of
not being able to love people back they way
they love you.

[m***@gmail.com]

I doubt there is a significant difference in the number of times ASD-people and NT people say "I love you" once in a relationship. It is likely that relationships are harder to come by in general for autistic people, since the number of highly-compatible people to pair up with is lower the further across the spectrum you go, but that doesn't mean they are less capable of love.

I do however believe there is a selection bias in asking that question in this Google Group. If you really loved your partner, you probably wouldn't be here talking about the number of times people like you say "I love you" - you'd be with them, doing something together, telling them how much you love them.